I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
