Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
