This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
