I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
