There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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