chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The power of my boobs compel you
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
