Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
