Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
