Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Randomize
