george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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