Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
