Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
