Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
