went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
