Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
