This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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