Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
