Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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