I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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