i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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