Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
