Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
