Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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