I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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