so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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