Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
