Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
