your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
