Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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