oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
