I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
