Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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