It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I could make wine with my vomit
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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