So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
