I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
