He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
