I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
