the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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