he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Actions speak louder than pants.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Panties = found
Randomize
