Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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