I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
