The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
