he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
