I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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