i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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