All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Even my vagina gasped.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
