there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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