Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
