you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
