Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
