I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and she was petting her beer can
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
