I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
